I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
