shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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