Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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