my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
