I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
