I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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