look no pants
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
