I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to make a zoo with you.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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