I'm so fucking centered right now
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
