Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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