I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
