I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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