Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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