It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
