I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
