hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
