seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
NoShamevember. You game?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
