I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
