Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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