God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
