Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
