She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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