Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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