i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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