she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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