HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize