lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
