There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my being single is dangerous.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize