Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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