oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize