please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
