Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
