According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
