Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The Olympian is in my bed
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
