How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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