Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street