he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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