Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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