that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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