what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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