I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
