So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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