I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
