watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
