Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
