I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
