I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
