I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
