ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
