wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
