i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
