I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
