From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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