just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
