Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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