Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
